A Monologue
by JohnnySqueegee
Summary: Kirk has a few words to say after his loss


Captain's Log stardate 8141.6

We've been through some intense things. Our lives were in each other's presence and nothing else existed. All I remember is sitting in my chair, you by my side. Or a shaking ship, being tossed about. You followed suit, always with me. The smell of burning and bright flashing phaser fire. Of subtle, methodic beeping and whirs. The adventures we had. I remember looking at you many a time as we slowly disintegrated into a yellow haze, never certain what would be the outcome. Would we come out on top once more? Would we survive? What will go wrong? How will I lose you, once again? The joy I felt at seeing you reappear, eyebrow raised in aristocratic elegance. Olive tinged skin, smooth and free of any imperfections. Raven black hair and rich dark eyes. They were all I knew.

I remember our late night talks. Our chess games. Our meals in the ship's cafeteria and passing glances. The teasing banter we shared. The little jokes… My immature sense of humor. I must have always been such an annoyance to you; a silly, illogical human. It was only in good fun. You knew that. I thought you would become exasperated with me, but you never did. I thank you.

Rubbing shoulders as we walked speedily down the cramped hallways, and sirens blared; echoed throughout the ship. The chirps of the conn and voices of close friends and comrades. White bandages. Orange medical beds and hypo needles. Staring down into your battered and bruised face, but your eyes were always warm. I remember searing pain and overwhelming sensations. The adrenaline and ice rushing through my veins as each problem arose. But you always knew what to do, even if I didn't. You were my cane to lean on; solid, sturdy. My one true equal. And... I remember your voice. Deep. Masculine and soothing. I recall your little quirks. How you spoke, made decisions, listened and loved.

Do you remember losing your eyesight? Or your sanity? What about the time we fought to death, your hands shaking as your eyes burned with an insatiable rage? Of course, I knew that was not you. Not my Spock. Each time I almost lost you, I lost a part of myself. Because you are a piece of me. My own.

Over the years, we grew closer than anyone had ever done before. Sharing the ship and her crew together. As friends. As family. But, no. It was so much more than that. We were one and the same. A brother's bond. A lover's bond. A friendship so rare. So deep. I know not why I never expressed to you how much you truly meant to me. We were inseparable in every aspect. Except one. I distanced us. Parted from me and never parted. Never and always touching and touched. So close to our full potential, yet I was never ready. I am now.

Going to strange new worlds. Seeking out the edge of all space. Discovering new and exhilarating things, and each time we stared death in the face. But she could not tear us apart. Our ship. Our crew. They would take care of us. And we, them.

So, why then? Why did it happen? Damn it all… I had imagined our deaths before. Life support failure. Phaser explosion. Tortured and slaughtered by the aboriginals of some distant, undiscovered planet. A treaty going south. Some devastating parasite that infects the crew. Maybe even getting captured by the Klingons. Or growing old together. Over the years, all these scenarios ran through my mind. But I didn't imagine this. Or rather, I didn't want to. I had always assumed we'd be together when the end inevitably came. That was how it was in life. Always together.

I wish I could've held your hand. I wish I was in there with you. And though my duty is to the ship, I cannot help but feel this guilt. I know I was doing what I had to. I know you did the same. You saved us all, Spock.

As I stood there, peering through that clear barrier, it seemed as if my very heart shattered in my chest. Your skin. Cracked dry and discoloured. Your voice. Strained; weak and scratchy. But your eyes were full of emotion. Resignation and tiredness but relieved.

Happy.

Why couldn't it have been me? I am so selfish. I would only have burdened you with guilt and sadness, had it been me. But I want you back, Spock. Why did this happen at all? I can just imagine your response to my query. 'It is illogical to engage in wishful thinking'. Heh… It still brings a smile to my face even now. Even after you are lost. I want to feel young again. I want to go back to our first years together, if only to just be with you.

Of all the souls I have encountered in my travels, yours was the most… human. And I cherish all we have ever been to each other. And I regret never telling you, how much my life revolved around you. Someday, I hope for that second , Spock.

End transmission

Captain's Log stardate: 8141.6

I'm coming for you, Spock. Even if it kills me.

End transmission


End file.
